


Calm Me Down

by MusicLyricsRule



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recreational Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 17:33:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11166690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLyricsRule/pseuds/MusicLyricsRule
Summary: Before Evan Hansen, Connor never believed in a good day. With him, he finally feels human, and soon enough, he starts craving more.[Previously named Illuminated (by Hurts) but has been changed to Calm Me Down (by Mother Mother)]





	Calm Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go! I don't even know what I'm going for or what the tags will be.

With an alarm blaring through his headphones, Connor woke up with a jerk. He knew he should have changed it months ago, but getting up had began to get harder and harder. The sudden fear was the only thing that opened his eyes anymore. Maybe it reminded him of his dad's strongest yells, maybe it just was unsettling to be calm than have an alarm go off straight in his ears.

Either way, he was getting up. For how long he didn't care, just enough to appease his mother. She could always be disappointed later on, like always. Things just happened to play out that way.

Sighing, he went through the repitive motions every student faced. He hadn't even decided if he was going to go to school fully. It was that, or getting stoned out of his mind. In the end, he already knew which one was going to happen. He just wanted to deny it a little longer.

_Maybe, just maybe this could be the year..._

There was always that hopeful thought. He'd stopped listening to it many years ago.

"Connor? C'mon honey, come get your breakfast!" The only one who kept believing was his mother. That was one of the things he would never understand. There was no changing a mess like him.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll... Be there." Just a first day attempt. Then back to him. That's it. Briskly making the way out of his messy room and down the stairs, he immediately regretted it. Lo and behold, his sister and father. He could already feel the fight coming on.

"Finally, you're here. It's your senior year, Connor, you are not missing the first day." His mother was already reprimanding him. What a surprise. He rolled his eyes and decided he might as well have something for breakfast. Finishing off the milk seemed like it would be enough to sustain him. It's not like he could even stomach food.

"Mom, Connor finished the milk! I bet he's high again, like anything ever changes with him." He heard his father, the 'mighty' Larry, give a sound of agreement. Clenching his fists, he walked away to grab his backup and leave as soon as possible. He could control himself. For now.

"I don't want you going-" He left the house before she could finish. Good thing Zoe was being driven by Larry this year, he didn't not plan on waiting for her. He heard someone briefly shout his name in that all too familiar tone, but no one came out running to him. They never did.

Getting in his car (he was still surprised they even let him drive) he drove off quickly, making sure to have the tires squeal. Just a short drive to school, then he'll decide if it's even worth it.

~

He has heard it all, don't get him wrong. But when you walk into school, and those whispers immediately start up, it will get to you. No matter how strong your shield, the taunts, the names, they will chip it away until the slightest thing sets you off. And his shield hadn't even recovered from last year. 

And that one thing to set him off was already coming.

Walking down the halls, light up sneakers and all, was someone he hated the most. Jared Kleinman. The bath bomb eater, the one who "loved the cronch," or whatever it was he said. Here it comes, no way to move now.

"Well, would you look at that, the stoner has arrived! Nice hair, Murphy, very school shooter chic. Most original!" He held his breath. "Nothing to say? Wow, what meds are you on, they are working for the betterment of us all! Are you that drugged up?"

Keep. Calm.

"Evan, Evan, get a load of this guy." He laughed, and the boy next to him gave a nervous chuckle. Connor hadn't even noticed him until now. "Well, not in that way, but the way this guy swings, who knows!" Again, more laughter. His patience was already somehow slipping.

They had stopped in the middle of the hall. Not many were around in this area of the school, but the ones who were kept giving secret glances. They all wanted to see a famous Connor Murphy breakdown. To see the full crazy in action. At least he could disappoint them with that. He was done fighting.

"That was a joke," Jared had stammered put after a few moments. His death glare, as Zoe called it, always got to people. 

"I know, it was _so_ funny," he responded through gritted teeth, "Can't you tell I'm laughing?" Blank stares, whispers from other groups hiding their interest. Taking a step forward, he noticed the looks of fear. "Am I not laughing enough for you!?" 

"God, what a freak." Jared muttered under his breath before giving an unsure chuckle. Evan, the one he thought, he hoped, wasn't in on all of this, followed suite. And that was it.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" He demanded, finally getting a good look at him. He knew he hung around Jared, but that was it. At first glance, there wasn't anything impressive about him, though something kept his eyes locked on him. He didn't look special, just wearing a stripped polo, khakis, and a blank cast. But he just wanted to keep looking at this trembling teen.

"W-what?" Evan finally got out. His face had been progressively reddening as he tried to fold in on himself.

"What. Is. So. Funny." He repeated angrily, moving several steps forward.

"N-nothing! Honestly, I-I wasn't laughing at you or anything, i-it just-" Something snapped in him and suddenly Evan was on the ground, watering eyes staring wide at him. He stared down at his own shaking hands, before quickly running off to find a bathroom.

_Guess I am the monster Zoe says I am._

~

He had to make it right. After spending the day high outside, he had spent enough time dwelling on it. That was _only_ reason he was hanging outside the library doors. He saw Evan go in a few minutes ago, and had been attempting to build up the courage to apologize. And that was not something he did often. Or, more accurately, at all.

With a faked purposeful stride, he finally went in before he could change his mind. The printer was going off, and the only ones in the room were him and Evan, so he decided to wait by it. He'll pretend to be busy on his phone until the other came up to get what he needed.

"O-oh, uh, h-hey Connor..." There it was, his chance.

"Oh, hey Evan." He turned to him and hoped the slight smile on his face wasn't too fake and scary. "About earlier... I just wanted to apologize for what I did. I didn't mean to hurt you, and I hope you forgive me for what... Happened." _That didn't even sound convincing and genuine to him, no way Evan would ac-_

"Don't w-worry about it, C-connor," he said all too quickly. "I-I get... It's all... Okay?" He looked up briefly before staring down at his feet and picking at the hem of his shirt. Connor gaped back at him in confusion.

"Oh. Yeah." He cleared his throat. The silence dragged on before he remembered the blank cast Evan had on. "No one's signed it."

"W-what?"

"Your arm."

"Oh." A short nod.

"I'll sign it." He prompted after a pause before adding, "If you want me to."

"That'd w-would be great, just, uh, l-let me get a sharpie..." Connor was handed one and he made sure to put his name down in the largest letters possible.

"There, now we can both pretend we have friends." He laughed a little to let Evan know it was okay to, and after a beat, he did so weakly. "How'd you do it anyway?"

"O-oh, I f-fell out a tree," he mumbled, face red once more. Connor decided, though he'd never admit this, in that moment that he wanted to see how far it would spread.

"That's pretty fucking pathetic." He added another laugh to keep it civil. Evan have a small smile, more focused on scratching his arm at the time.

"Oh, this paper, it's for you? Dear Evan Hansen," Taking it off the printer, he skimmed it quickly and was about to hand it over when he saw his sister's name. 

"Zoe?" He looked over in disbelief. Here he was, actually making an effort, and people still want to hurt him. "You did this on purpose... You'd _knew_ I would be here! You wanted to hurt me, huh?" Evan shrank even more in on himself, shaking his head fiercely.

"N-no it's not l-like that! I ha-"

"Shut up! Why'd you do it?" A step forward.

"I-it's for an a-assignment I have to do!"

"And you expect me to believe that?" Another step closer.

"Y-you expect me t-to believe that y-you didn't mean to hurt me, so, y-yeah."

"Oh." Connor stood back, trying to hide his embarrassment, and gave a short cough. "I didn't... I'm sorry... Again." They look at each other, growing more uncomfortable as the seconds pass.

"L-look, Connor, I-I have no idea w-what's going on with you, but you don't seem... Okay. And I'm saying d-doing this to be rude o-or anything, but maybe you should get some help? A-and also, not assume the worst? Though I-I'm not one to speak... Just... Yeah..." He rubbed at the back of his neck, trying to control his breathing.

"I'm," Connor clenched his hands into fists, "Trying, you know? Not that anyone cares-"

"H-hey don't say that, I-I'm sure someone does." He was picking at the hem of his shirt again.

"Like? Who would like a fuck up?" He pressed forward again, the need to get closed growing. He just wanted to hear the words.

"I-I care, i-if that's enough." Evan responded quietly. And it was more than enough.

"If there was something I could do right now, and it would help me, would you allow me to do it?" Connor asked almost nervously, licking his lips slightly.

"Y-yeah! G-getting help is important, you know?" Evan gave him a bright smile, and there was something akin to pride in his eyes, so Connor had to risk it. He leaned forward and gave the quickest of kisses of Evan's chapped lips. Nothing would ever compare to that small moment of peace.

"Thank you," Connor pulled back and spun on his heals, already sprinting away on a giddy feeling. He heard his name called, but he just wanted to be gone, lest his feelings he ruined so soon.

Maybe, just maybe, school was worth the effort.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Feedback are appreciated! I wrote this when I was tired, so sorry for any mistakes! I'm also trying to get back into the groove of writing, so point out any ooc-ness!  
> :)


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